Having attended a few modules, i get to know and understand myself better. For example, Why am I so eccentric? Why is my behaviour so unpredictable, or more like very predictable, why am I so emotionally frail?
The reason is simply because I was abused as a child. In all aspects, even sexually, though my parents didnt mean to.
I have no idea how many people out there, had been abused, or are still being abuse. I can tell you, i know how you feel, i understand what you are going through. No, i wont tell you everything will be alright because though the wounds heal, the scars remains.
One simple example is this "indifferent" feeling I have towards any guy. My friend asked me once, "What exactly do you expect from a guy?" I was quite shocked that someone asked me this, but my answer was immediate, "I expect them to fail".
If you want to talk about pride, I definitely have more pride than a guy because I am out to prove, I can do anything better than guys. This is ReALLY a wrong thought to have, and believe me, I am telling myself, i dont need to prove anything to them, i just need to concentrate if I AM following Christ.
Forgive me brothers, if you really find it hard to talk to me. Scars left by my father and the few "good" men I've met is simply too deep. IT IS a thorn in my flesh, and I KNOW Jesus' grace is more than sufficient. Most of the guys in church had fail, even the ladies, even me. Coz simply, we are all sinners saved by grace. One way or another we will and have failed.
So therefore, this is just a note to self, or to anybody out there who is reading. Life's never easy, but it's jsut how we grow out of it. I guess that's why I am an Early Childhood educator. I want to be there if any of my child suffers abuse of any kind.
The sun always shine after the storm..
No comments:
Post a Comment