Abused... Not broken..

Having attended a few modules, i get to know and understand myself better. For example, Why am I so eccentric? Why is my behaviour so unpredictable, or more like very predictable, why am I so emotionally frail?

The reason is simply because I was abused as a child. In all aspects, even sexually, though my parents didnt mean to.

I have no idea how many people out there, had been abused, or are still being abuse. I can tell you, i know how you feel, i understand what you are going through. No, i wont tell you everything will be alright because though the wounds heal, the scars remains.

One simple example is this "indifferent" feeling I have towards any guy. My friend asked me once, "What exactly do you expect from a guy?" I was quite shocked that someone asked me this, but my answer was immediate, "I expect them to fail".

If you want to talk about pride, I definitely have more pride than a guy because I am out to prove, I can do anything better than guys. This is ReALLY a wrong thought to have, and believe me, I am telling myself, i dont need to prove anything to them, i just need to concentrate if I AM following Christ.

Forgive me brothers, if you really find it hard to talk to me. Scars left by my father and the few "good" men I've met is simply too deep. IT IS a thorn in my flesh, and I KNOW Jesus' grace is more than sufficient. Most of the guys in church had fail, even the ladies, even me. Coz simply, we are all sinners saved by grace. One way or another we will and have failed.

So therefore, this is just a note to self, or to anybody out there who is reading. Life's never easy, but it's jsut how we grow out of it. I guess that's why I am an Early Childhood educator. I want to be there if any of my child suffers abuse of any kind.

The sun always shine after the storm..

THank you

I haven been grateful.. And that is not nice..

On a random day, on the way back home from school, right in my little journal, i started writing thanksgiving.

My mum always say, "要懂得报恩". In english, it simply means, one must learn to be appreciate and repaying favours. I know its very much in her buddhism terms when she said it, but i think i need that philosophy in my life daily.

Philippians 4:6 (NLT) says, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. "

In other words, all the crappy things happening, God is there to listen. And He has already done so much, i have yet spent enough time to thank Him for.

I apologized if i ever caused anyone to stumble, to lose faith.

I'm attending another module for my course. My teacher reminded that we, as teachers, need to have a philosophy. So i thought I'll come up with one, which was being taught in another staminar, i just extended it.

My philosophy as a Christian, and as a teacher is to be a

Faithful Friend, that is
Always Available, and to be a
Teachable Teacher.

So from this day on, (maybe i have already said so many times before, anywho), this day on, i will have blog entries for thanksgiving =)

Have a blessed day!

Let me be...

Sometimes I get it, when friends are trying to comfort me.. But trying to relate with what i am going through is unneccessary, and sometimes I find it insulting. If you realise that I stop talking, it means you have lost me.

I am weird i know, there are many things I want to say, am sometimes I spoke, nobody heard.

So i ended up just keeping quiet.

To those that I have spoken, i much regretted telling you what happen, coz might have stumble you or even worst, after you tried encouraging me, still doesnt work, it'll make you feel worst.

Sometimes i find the idiom true, laugh, and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.. Honestly, i rather do it alone.

Just let me be.

Things we dont understand

It hurts to talk about how strong your friend was, and then to say, she has went home with the Lord. It should give hope to the believer, it should encourage the one who is suffering.

I thank God for Aunty Christine, its been almost 5 months since she has went home with the Lord.. Even then, her story of her fight against cancer still lives on. I didnt understand why she has to leave, maybe i still dont understand. But the journal of that few entries that we wrote together, especially hers, make sense now.

I am going to give this journal to someone who is going through the same situation for the first time. Aunty Christine probably felt the same way when she was diagnosed. Her children were all very young, and she fought on for 10 years..

I really pray that this journal would encourage.

I am still confused whether I am being called by God to teach. confused by the voice that I am hearing, confused by the advices I get.

God help us...

Vienna boys

Currently using peiling's iPhone to type... Today was 2nd day escorting the boys to universal studio.... Tried some buttery popcorn, my heart almost went crashing down... Lalalalalal

2011 Children's Day

For my nieces and nephews... God's most wonderful presents in my life.. =)

Swarmed....

with work!!

Went recce at Sentosa today, came back and went swimming with my niece and nephews.. Sprained my left shoulder two nights ago, felt better this morning.. Had so much fun creating waves for the young ones just now, i re-sprained my left shoulder.. URGH.. why i so playful.. I'm getting old, gotta remember that, or else, my body is remembering that for me..

Anyway, thank God for good weather. The recce went well, my head was swimming with ideas on the way back. Just finished planning for the outing =).

Had a rather serious talk with my sister.. I hope to be somebody's mum, and I am commiting myself to save, even though I really dont know if i can be.. Or at least, his legal guardian..

On a happier note, Sis Charissa and Heng family came back from Canada! And I was really really happy when they presented me with the Auto Harp.. Ahhhhhhhh... It's out of tune, but i still enjoyed playing with it.. Hee hee..

Well, this week has been swarmed.. And i have more things that need to be done!! Cant wait for childrens' day, am planning something quite big.. Praying i can complete it on time.. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!